Friday, October 29, 2010

WARNING: Don't Become a Same-Sider!!

You know who you are. You might not admit it to others but one day they'll see you out and about and they'll know the truth. You will hang your head in shame and then beg for forgiveness. That's right, you're a same-sider.

If you aren't currently cowering in fear, you might not know what a same-sider is. Let me explain it to you. You walk into a restaurant. It could be a Chick-Fil-A or it could be a 5-star fancy restaurant. You sit down and in the next booth over there are two people staring right at you. You think. "hmmm I guess the third person has gone to the bathroom." You guessed wrong. These are same-siders. They are couples who purposely sit on the same side of the table when they go to restaurants....

To answer the question that is formulating in your brain right, I don't know why they would do that.

But they are still there and they are still staring at you. Why do I dislike same-siders with such passion? Well I'll tell you.

1. The Staring - When sitting across from each other your head blocks out the person behind you. With same-siders that blockade isn't there. This leaves your face in direct line with both of them and the staring commences. This is the point that I start to freak out. Why are they looking at me? did I drop honey mustard on my shirt. My nose itches, but if I scratch it they'll think I am a public picker! It's really quiet overwhelming.

2.The Conversation -  Believe it or not, the human head blocks roughly 83.4% of conversation. When that head is no longer there, guess who receives a full 100%??? I mean really, do I have to hear EVERYTHING that you are saying?  I mean really, I get to hear about your hernia surgery? Yippee! I'm so glad that I'm eating right now.

3. The Cuddlers - When you add the first two to the third you get a lethal combination. Cuddlers are same-siders who apparently forget that the booth at a fast food restaurant is a different social atmosphere than their honeymoon. They are practically sitting on top of one another and have given each other 14 Eskimo kisses. Add that to the conversation of "no, after you my snookie-wookie-ums" (ah yeah! a Jersey Shore/Star Wars reference! I think that might be the first in history.) Or "This tea will never be as sweet as you, my love."  That line alone makes you want to heave a large cup of sweet tea in their general direction. At least they are sitting close you might hit both of them.

The only way to fight "the cuddlers" is to randomly point at them and scream "HAND CHECK!" If you time it right, you might just break the cuddlers up. Other than that they just sit there and stare at you all while giving you looks that imply "you'll never be as happy as me!"

4. The Lack of a Face Checker -  We've all had it happen. We get a little something stuck in our teeth. We have some ketchup on our cheek. It's all good though....if you have someone in front of you to see it and tell you. But what happens when that person is sitting next to you and can't see your face?? that's right. You look like an idiot. You might be in a happy relationship friend but you have a waffle fry stuck to your face. I usually feel bad for a guy and try to signal him about it. This leads us to an awkward game of charades in which we are casually making hand gestures and motioning to our faces. He never realized he had something on his face but he is considering stealing third base.  Seriously though, never underestimate the usefulness of a face checker.

These are a few reasons that Same-Siders drive me crazy. Do you have any reasons?


  1. This whole post reminds me of Date Night. If you've seen that movie, then you would know why. My parents are actually same-siders, but that's mostly because they usually buy one dish and then share it. Because honestly, you can't get a sale AND use a coupon at every restaurant. Darn. (:

  2. I also cannot stand Same Siders! I did a blog post about it also a few months ago...

  3. People who get upset at people who sit on the same side of the table are weird. Sheesh, get a life!