The gym is a pretty intimidating place to begin with. It starts with the ever awkward new member tour. Here someone walks you around and points at all the machines all the while not giving you any instruction on how to use them. The members on the Cardio equipment give you a look that says; "Look at the new guy. He's gonna be out of here by the beginning of March." All of a sudden your tour guide leaves you because she has to refill the empty coffee pot. You are standing alone in a room with people glaring at you. This is where I stood once.
I decided to try out a treadmill. That seems easy enough. I mean how hard is it to walk in place? I slowly walk through the rows of sweaty people who are wearing tight outfits that no human should wear. They all scan my clothes. A t-shirt and jean shorts. Apparently that's not kosher for the gym.
I climb on the treadmill and am greeted by roughly 32 buttons. I mean really? You only need a key and one button to launch a nuclear missile. Here I need an advanced degree to walk. I don't want to be seen as an idiot so I start pressing buttons and hope that I'm not fired off the back of the treadmill. Nope, 4.5 mph hour. A good jogging speed. I'm golden.
A guy hops on the treadmill beside me. He's got matching running clothes. His shorts are about 5 inches too short and he's got one of those ipod arm bands. He stretches for a second and then hits a button sequence that the pentagon could use as a secret code. His name is Captain Workout and he's about to live up to his name.
He starts running. not just running, he's sprinting. 9.0 mph. Captain Workout isn't even breaking a sweat. He decides that running at the speed of sound wasn't challenging enough, he should converse with someone. That someone was me.
"You new here?"
*gasp* "yup" *gasp*
"welcome, my name is troy.. I enjoy a light workout every day for 2 hours."
I had a new mortal enemy. But I couldn't focus on that now. 4.5 mph was proving to be a good workout when done for 4.5 consecutive minutes. I slowed down to a more relaxing 3.0 mph. I look over and notice Captain Workout slowing down as well. HA! I knew he wasn't super human. he slows to 5.0 mph. That's pretty standard I think. I look down to see my time. When I glance up Captain Workout is running backwards.
"really?" I ask incredulously.
"it really works my quads"
I had to leave before I hit him with my 1980's water bottle. I head over to the machines. Being new to the gym, I have no clue how anything works. I squint at the little picture and try to copy it to the best of my ability. A couple of teenage girls start snickering at me. Apparently, I'm doing it wrong. But I don't care. It has to be working some muscle.
Captain Workout moves next to me and starts lifting. He moves 8 plates when he lifts. I move 2. Yes, I'm the two plate guy. When he inhales and exhales things in the room move. I feel like I'm in a tropical depression due to the force of air moving throughout the room.
Captain Workout is now sweating more than middle school boy at a school dance. I've taken showers and been less wet. His face is as red as a tomato, yet he is still lifting.
I give up and head to the locker room. I grab my bag and head towards the showers. I open the door and see a wall with a line of shower heads. What is this high school? I put my stuff back in my bag and start to head out. In the lobby Captain Workout is making his own whey protein shake. While I try to figure out why he has his own blender at the gym, he looks at me.
"see you tomorrow newbie"
"uh yeah"
Thanks Captain Workout, but I think I'm gonna go home and sit on the couch. I'm not even going to make it until March.
*no this didn't really happen to me. Yes, it was inspired by comedian Brian Regan.*
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