I doubt that I'll ever be able to....scratch that....I know I'll never be able to understand God. There are way too many complications and God is far too intricate to understand. And because of this fact, I simply sit in awe of where I am today....let me explain:
It was roughly 10 years ago. Somewhere around the end of my sophomore year. I remember going to school and not fitting in. I wasn't the "stand all by himself in the corner" not fitting in. I was more of the " I'm going to try to join every group and find where I fit in" not fitting in. I didn't have a base group of friends. I was also in the middle of a tough time with some depression and I desperately longed to belong to something. I wanted to feel as if I were a part of a group. Plus I wanted to be strikingly handsome.(which was difficult for someone with acne who parted their hair perfectly every morning)
I remember spiraling down this slide of depression and wanting to belong the whole time just feeling worse and worse about myself and life. It's weird to think about those things now. I remember that I wanted desperately for someone to just ask me what I was thinking or feeling. I would walk away from my small group of friends in the middle of a conversation. They would just look at me and try to laugh away my oddness. I was low.
I once got in trouble for having people over to my house while my parents were out of town. In fact my parents were out of town and my friend's parents were out of town. So we just did whatever we wanted. And we got caught. Which led to me being grounded for 2 months. I wasn't allowed anywhere except school, work, and church.
Enter God. Since church was the only non-painful place that I could go during my 2 months of punishment I went there as often as possible. I hung out with my youth pastor who talked to me about God and who God is and about me and who I was. And strangely I felt like I belonged there. I felt accepted. I could be myself and not worry about what brand names I wore and I could go knowing that they would accept me even with perfectly parted hair. I loved it. I had found my place at last.
But I was still struggling. Years of being down on myself and having a bad attitude at life left me in a fragile state. I couldn't be positive. My family situation wasn't the greatest (compared to my friends) and I still couldn't turn the corner on my life. I remember vaguely one night just crying out to God in complete frustration. I wanted to done with the crappiness of life. I wanted something more...Thinking back I probably said that prayer dozens of times...
And then one day it happened. It just happened. This is where I can't explain God. I can't even fathom why or how this happened. I woke up and everything changed. I remember the day clearly. It was early spring(you know when you are still really excited about wearing shorts). I woke up in a good mood which was weird but a nice surprise. I got ready and left for school. I remember hearing birds singing and I remember looking up at the blue sky and thinking; "This is stinkin amazing!" I hadn't noticed the world in a long time. I had been so down and depressed that I walked around, looking down. I never looked up! I never saw what God had created. I never saw the people around me. I never watched them and observed them. But now my eyes were opened. For the first time in my life I felt like I belonged to something and that something was God. All the circumstances of my life were the same. I still had family issues. I still didn't belong to a huge group of friends.
But my outlook has changed. There was hope. That's what it was. God had given me hope. Something to live for, to truly live for. And it came to me one morning when I woke up. I can't understand this. I can't understand how it completely changed my life. It picked me up and dropped me on my head (in a good way). But ever since then my life has been one heck of a roller coaster ride. Not always great. in fact sometimes life has been extremely crappy. but there has always been the hope that God has given me which makes life bearable in the hard times and unbelievable in the good times.
this has been a long one. thanks for reading.