Friday, May 6, 2011

WholeSale Craziness

My wife doesn't let me go grocery shopping. I mean that when I say it. Apparently I get lost in grocery stores. What takes 15 minutes usually takes me 2  hours. I come home with stuff that wasn't on the list. It's sad really.

Which is why I was surprised when my wife asked me to go to a local wholesale club to pick up a few things. You know wholesale clubs, like Sam's or Costco. Mollie had 3 coupons that were going to expire so she sent me with them to go shopping. What followed was an hour long trek through one of the weirdest stores ever.

I've been to wholesale clubs before. But I think that this was the first time I've ever been to one where my main goal was not to hit every sample food table multiple time. (seriously, this is a lost art). So I got a chance to look around at my surroundings. I was overwhelmed! Here are a few of my thoughts about wholesale clubs as a whole....

1. Where is the peanut butter?- Seriously. Your store is roughly the size of 8 football fields and there aren't any signs point to anything. Where do you keep the peanut butter? I walked the perimeter of the store twice and still couldn't find it. I could have asked but I was convinced it was in some super easy location and I didn't want to look like an instead I walked around for 20 minutes with an empty cart and a look on my face that said, "I'm a man and therefore I'm lost."  I did find the peanut butter though. It was way in the back next to the Gatorade.  I guess that makes sense.  Then I realized I was buying 88 ounces of it. Who needs that much peanut butter? I feel like George Washington Carver used less than that in his entire career. But it's ok. I had a coupon after all.

2. Disturbing Products - On the quest to find the PB, I passed an item that greatly disturbed me. It was the generic brand of mayonnaise. Now I think that mayo, is from the devil anyway so what I saw on this label disturbed me even greater. "Real Mayonnaise" REAL MAYONNAISE?? Isn't all mayonnaise real? I mean what exactly is Fake Mayonnaise? Would anyone buy it? I mean what is the slogan for fake mayonnaise? "The best imitation crap on a spoon you can buy!" Just thinking about it makes me want to throw up. ugh. Luckily I still had my coupons to keep me motivated in my shopping

3. Would you like a surfboard with that? - on my PB quest there was one point in which I stopped to look around. Within 15 feet of me  were the following items:  Shrimp Cocktail, Hamburger Patties, Pizza, a shed, a surfboard, a ocean kayak, a gas grill, and a swing. I felt like I had died and gone to A.D.D heaven.  I mean you have to be A.D.D to shop in that order. "Hey honey can you pick up some hamburger patties...oh and while you are there, grab an ocean kayak if they have them. Just seeing all of those items in one place made me want to take a nap...which I could do on the mattress that someone was carting out the door. Still I plugged on for the rest of the items on my coupons. After all that's what I was there for.

4. Underwear- I'm sorry if you do this but do we really need to buy underwear from a wholesale club? I mean how bad off are you if you need 42 pairs of tightie whities. I understand if say a wolverine gets loose in your closet but seriously, how often does that happen? Like once every couple of years? Plus how do you know if you are getting quality undergarments?  That's just odd. Do they have coupons for underwear? I didn't, so I kept moving coupons in tow.

5. Register Extras -  So I track down all of my items on my coupons and head up to the register. I was lucky because I just had one guy in front of me and he was part of the way through his order. The cashier looked up at him and asked, "Sir, would you like to donate some money to the Children's Miracle Network?" I'm not sure why they ask. I've never seen someone actually say yes. In fact when I worked at a grocery store I got tired of asking because the answer was always no. So as I stood there and waited it caught me off guard when the man said "yes".  What?  He said yes. The cashier had an look of overwhelming joy. "THANK YOU SIR! THANK YOU!" I can't believe it. 

It might have been selfish of me but all I could think of was..."oh great, now if I say no I'm going to look like a jerk." I started to think through how I was going to tell this now radiant cashier that I wasn't going to be giving him any extra money.  Do I look sad that I'm not? Do I just shake my head no?  That stupid guy in front of me. I can't believe the position he has put me in. Now I look like I'm a children hater because he gives money and I don't. I can't stand him. Such a jerk.

While I'm getting rung up, the cashier asks me and I softly say no. I didn't look up but I'm pretty sure that he was giving me the glare of shame. I paid for my stuff and left. As I left I sat in my car and steamed (felt bad) for the kids. None of it would have happened if it weren't for captain generosity in front of me. That guy was terrible...I looked for a chance to pull out and head to the exit. There were tons of cars leaving. They all passed until one car stopped to let me out.  It was the guy who was in front of me in line......jerk. 

I started to drive home. At one of the stoplights on the way to my house I glanced down. Sitting right in my shirt pocket were three coupons....never used. My wife was going to kill me.

Portions of this tale are true, and portions are fiction. See if you can guess which is which.....comment your thoughts below. 


  1. I vote that it's all true. When have you EVER been known to exaggerate or stretch the truth?? Another thing that's also true is that I got back $11 of the $43 when I went back today to redeem my coupons. Yee-Haw!

  2. I say that you could not pass up the tempting mayo, even if you didn't have a coupon. Just think of all the chicken salad that could make!

    Also, I hope you got the $1.50 hot dog/soda combo. Indigestion of champions.